My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
