I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
