i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
