someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
