I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
