i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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