The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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