i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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