Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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