im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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