If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
