i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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