we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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