we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
