Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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