Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
