...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
