How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
