i think i have herpe
just one?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
