Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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