Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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