So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
