Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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