What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
