My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
