Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
