My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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