she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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