Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
