i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
