Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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