So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
