I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
