life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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