So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
