So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
