i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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