I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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