And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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