my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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