The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
