Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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