I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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