after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
