i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
