there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
