We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Randomize
