guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
