how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
