Soap is not a condiment
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
