So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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