Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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