JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
