2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He did a backflip because drugs
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