I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
