loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My penis needs a shock collar
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
