i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
