the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
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Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.