from now on my penis is your penis
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
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He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.