***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.