that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's blow job season.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Randomize
