And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize