you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
