When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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