Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
