maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
